Therapy

Ramble

2009-08-05T00:32:00.003+01:00

Hmmm... it's technically Wednesday so I'm here. Thanks for all the advice, though I have not yet started the dissertation...

Just needed a little rambling...

Best summer of my life but most stressful too. Did I already tell you guys I got a job? Yeah... we thank God.

I noticed I write a lot about my boyfriend and not much else... sad right? We're always together except for when we're not... He's in Nigeria now...

Gave a pound to this guy who asked for 20pence to make a phone call. I think he's a drug dealer. He's always on that same street everyday. I'm a bit scared. Never been in that kind of environment... did I tell you I moved house for the next academic year?

I'm tired....

Thanks for listening to me ramble...

Will come with some sense later...

Zzzz...

Therapy Asks...

2009-06-24T21:19:00.002+01:00

Hey Everyone!

Yeah I've been missing in action, but I'm back. University is finished for the year! And with a lot of hard work and some extra modules I should be able to graduate on time without any extra semesters!

I wanted to come back all positive and say how much I've grown and how much better I am from this year's experiences but it seems every time I take a step forward I take two steps back...

I have two questions for you:

1. I need to do most of my dissertation during this summer. But I don't know where to start. Any advice on how to approach such an important and large piece of work?

2. My boyfriend (please name him Blogsville!!) wanted to live in student accomodation alone next year, but he gave up his room for 2 of his friends. When they let him down by not paying the deposit on time/ wanting to live in student accomodation for their own reasons he had to find accomodation with some others... One of the guys didn't get a room with the student accomodation and came back to him... The people my boyfriend went to are 4 of my friends, and they're all girls... So it's going to be him, his friend, and 4 mutual friends that are all girls... He's not going to cheat or anything stupid like that, but it's really bothering me.... A LOT. Any advice?

Summer should be interesting so I'll be back to tell! But for now this is my dilemna :(

Love T xoxo

And the Saga Continues...

2009-03-18T21:09:00.002Z

So I'm at home, alone, well it feels like I'm alone but to be fair there's a possibility that 2 out of my 5 house mates (not counting me) could be in their rooms.

I'm home today. I feel like my boyfriend (who you guys are yet to name! and I'm still to tell you about us and how we met...) is fed up with me. I walked home alone, and he only called to confirm I'm staying there...

It feels like all my people are leaving me behind. I haven't done any school work since Thursday last week though I do have to do an assignment due tomorrow morning.

I hate feeling like this. I want to just sleep the feeling off but I have work to do, and I'm hungry, though I don't have the appetite to eat... I want to cry but I don't have the tears to spill. It's a physical pain, I can actually feel it, and cheesily enough, it's in my chest...

Growing up must be so lonely, with people you thought were tight bonds just loosen and break free. Relationships are painful things, more painful than in your youth. And mine were pretty painful back then at a certain point...

I perhaps rely on my boyfriend too much for support, I know he has his own issues and he's not here, you are. Thanks...

I don't know anymore... I don't know. I'm trying to toughen up but... But it's so hard. I want to be open and free but life is telling me that's not possible... I don't want to play games anymore, no one is playing along... I don't know guys... I know I need to put life into perspective. I am alove and well and all that good stuff that goes with it that me and my family, all healthy can share... But when you're in this situation it feels like everything you know? Like your pain is the most painful emotion out there and no one understnads, even though they do.

The tears are welling up now, but I've blinked most of them back - Lol. *Sniffle - I'm giving you the visual so you can be here... Pathetic...

So I guess all I can do is focus on this homeowrk and get it done. Otherwise this typing will only get sadder...

Thanks for listening,
Till Later,
T xx

I'm So F**king Pissed

2009-03-13T12:48:00.002Z

I'm freaking raging I need to pull up my couch so y'all need to take notes and occasionally ask; "How does that make you feel?" or whatever.

I'm ill right now, I'm stressed too, and everyone is fu**ing taking the piss. Like I'm some road you can just be driving over whenever the f**k you want.

I have a friend who has been staying at my house for the past 4 MONTHS. To be fair I did tell her she can stay as long as she needed but SERIOUSLY?!?! Last month I was like look you need to move, she was like I will be out in the next week. She gave herself the deadline, not me. I as like is that enough time? She's looking all worried and whatnot and says she will sort it. I say look I can't handle this conversation and I bounce. In DAYS she found a house. IF IT WAS THAT FU**ING EASY WHY DID IT TAKE 4 MONTHS OF MY TIME OF SLEEPING IN MY BED WHILE I'M AT MY MAN'S HOUSE OR MY HOUSEMATES ROOM! WHERE THE F*CK IS THE FAIRNESS IN THAT?!?! WHERE'S THE GOSHDARN COURTESY?!?! OR EMPATHY?!?! I OBVIOUSLY AM NOT LIVING WITH MY MAN FOR A REASON. IF I WANTED TO I WOULDA DONE IT MYSELF... Then two weeks are up she's like I'll be out by this weekend (last week), I'm like fine, I will wait because they're painting her room and I don't want this chick to die of fumes. Weekend comes and goes and now they're changing her windows so she can't bounce till Thursday (yesterday). Yesterday comes and goes and SHE STILL HAS MY HOUSE KEYS, WHY AM I THE ONE CALLING PEOPLE TO ASK IF THEY'RE HOME. SURELY YOU WOULD THINK "HEY! THIS AIN'T RIGHT!" BUT NOOOOO YOU DON'T! And all this time I'm feeling like shit because who wants to throw a friend out? But at the same time she's a GROWN ASS WOMAN OLDER THAN MYSELF AND A GRADUATE WITH A FREAKIN DEGREE. YOU SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF ME. So I got my girl telling me you need to be harsh or she'll be there all year. I send a text like mate you need to be out by today, as in yes TODAY. Fu**ing pissing myself because I don't want to hurt feelings and I don't like confrontation, and I get a text back like yes I owe you so much blah, blah, blah thanks for everything... I'm like WHAT THE FU**. I've been killing myself over this and you just like ok yeah... Oh and now they changing her carpet by the way... WHAT IS TAKING THEM SO LONG TO SORT OUT ONE ROOM?!?! I'm like carpet or no carpet you got to go. TODAY. I hate to do it but 4 MONTHS I been living out of everyone else's room. Walking down the street everyday feeling like some cheap slut to get to my house and have to knock ON MY OWN DOOR while she in my bed still SLEEPING. I'm having to find places to change 'cuz when I'm getting ready for class she STILL SLEEPING.

On the other hand my man pissing me off. I'm fu**ing feeling like shit but our friend comes by and I'm laughing and shit because she gives everybody jokes. Does that mean I was faking illness?!?! They made a joke about it and I laughed but soon as she left he gone upstairs to play Wii. I'm like WOW, you can't even check see if I'm ok, offer me something to eat like I ALWAYS DO WHEN YOU'RE SICK, UPSET, OR JUST IN GENERAL. Don't get me wrong he can be very supportive but he was all like I wasn't in the best moods today. Well when the tables are turned I fuc**ng but my bad mood aside to make sure you're ok WHY THE FU** COULDN'T YO DO THAT FOR ME?!?! Gosh I'm not asking for like a bunch of flowers or candy, or retail therapy I'm just asking you put your game down once in a while and keep me company or SOMETHING. TEXT ME FROM UPSTAIRS IF YOU LIKE BUT WOW. And the most annoying thing is I can't even go back to MY ROOM 'CUZ OF THE ABOVE. I felt like some trapped chick. He didn't even say nothing this morning to me like what's up, let's talk this shit out, or I'm sorry you felt that way even if I (me) was wrong... I'm just tired of all these people who supposed to be there for me when I need them always too fu**ing busy but when it's their turn it's "Therapy please this, Therapy that..." What the f*ck ever!

Then we have these girls from my old school who are doing a talent show. They needed me to mix their tracks for them. THEN WHY THE FU** DID YOU ASK ME THIS ON WEDNESDAY WHEN YOU NEED IT TODAY. DON'T TELL ME YOU LEARNT YOUR DANCE IN TWO DAYS SO YOU DIDN'T KNOW. I'M NOT SITTING THE FU** AROUND WAITING TO DO PEOPLE FAVOURS. I DO GO TO SCHOOL AND I AM BUSY... GOSHDARN (This and the previous swears because I can't take God's name in vain...) IT! WTF?!?! No I'm ill what you going to do?!?! Because I'm NOT going to Uni or your school to mix it for you when I'M ILL. I said email it to me I can send it to a mate maybe, oh you can't email during school time? Find a teacher and ask it is a school talent show after all... Did I get an email yet? NO I DIDN'T. When is their talent show? 5PM TONIGHT. Who's fault is it? YEAH THAT'S RIGHT THEIRS NOT MINE. I'm so sick of feeling bad when I can't help you out, WHO THE F**K IS HELPING ME OUT?

Oh and then we have the president of the society I'm in. We had a coursework group assignment we had planned to meet and do on Wednesday with 2 other people. WHAT DOES HE GO AND DO? HE FU**ING ORGANISES THE SOCIETY MEETING AT THE SAME TIME. AND GUESS WHAT ELSE? HE FU**ING CHOOSES THE SOCIETY MEETING OVER THE COURSEWORK. And has the AUDACITY to say I will try and balance the two. ON TOP OF THAT he wasn't even ORIGINALLY IN OUR GROUP. He added himself like 3-4 weeks later when EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY HAD A NICE GROUP BECAUSE HIS ASS WASN'T ORGANISED ENOUGH THOUGH HE HAD TIME TO CAMPAIGN TO BE OUR STUDENT UNION PRESIDENT FOR 4 WEEKS STRAIGHT. He was also my coursework partner last semester and I decided never again, but then yup! He went and asked SOMEONE ELSE IN MY GROUP, not me 'cuz I'm sure he knows better and BAM THE DUDE IS IN OUR FU**ING GROUP. Last semester he got a retake for our group work and I got an F. WHERE IS THE FUC**NG JUSTICE IN THAT. Oh it's this. If you retake you can only get 40% max. but starting again you can get as high as you deserve.

OH NO MY WEEK AIN'T OVER YET. My friend up and tells me she has to go home early so we can't do whatever together. I get too ill at Uni so I leave early but all of a sudden she has time to go to the lecture of a mutual friend? Where did she get time from the hour before she told me she has no time, to the time she decides she wants to "support me" by going to my lecture like she's trying to convince me? I said I'm going home. Oops my bad my boyfriend's house 'cuz I ain't got a room. Why not transfer that support to taking me home? Did she? Oh oh umm... NO. This is the same mutual friend she backed out of our like 6 months ago arrangement if not more to live with him instead... THANKS HOMIE.

Anyway that has been my week! Loved it... Whatever. So how much will this couch session cost me?

Truths & Lies & Mr. Valentine

2009-02-20T10:56:00.006Z

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should've seen how excited I was logging in to Blogger just now! My fingers were itching to get back to you lovelies!

I've been really secretive (well in a matter of speaking) about how I blog and when I blog and where. I only blog on University computers or my laptop. Why? I don't want my Therapy history on anyone else's laptop, and with the amount of time I spend at my boyfriend's house, the time I would blog, my laptop is at my house. Why not take my laptop over to his you ask? Because not only do I like his laptop more (it's all sleek, small, and shiny... Hehe!) the less things I have in his house, the better. We don't want to tempt me to move in (though people claim we already live together...) I wanted to talk about him as like a little Valentine's Day special (lol - sad but true) but that never happened... Lol!

Valentine's Day

Let me digress for a second... What did you all do for Valentine's Day?!?! Please don't throw things at me if you're one of those people who hate the holiday, or like kill yourself softly that day and become ok again the next...
We decided I was in charge of Valentine's Day 'cuz men deserve to be treated to! Right ya'll? Lol. I was making my dinner reservations on Valentine's Day, because like a man, no offense guys, I waited till the day to make arrangements and didn't realise how popular restaurants become... But to be fair I've never celebrated Valentine's Day "properly" before. Last Valentine's Day even though I was with my man we didn't do much if anything. He did start our little mini tradition of getting me a single rose... *Grins to herself...* Lol and I got a Twix bar for chocolate... Lol! I still find that hilarious over one year later. But I do love Twix bars...
So anyway with the help of my lovely housemates I got to reservations for 9:30pm and 10pm at 2 reservations, managed to narrow it down to one, and I set of to get him a present! His birthday present... From July... Lol! I'm not a bad girlfriend I promise! It's just credit crunch hit me hard so I'm realistic! What better way to show your man yoiu love him like a birthday present?!?! Lol! Anyway he loved the present so it was worth the wait I'm sure... Hehe...
Anyways... we ended up at this really nice buffet (I know! Unusual choice!) and they had a so-called jazz band which was really a woman singing and a man on a keyboard (they jacked the price up £10 for that?!?!) and me an my man giggled through her preformances while he pretneded to sing along. And we were sitting closest to the band... Lol - Yeah we're real mature I know - Lol but the "band" didn't see us and we always smiled at them when we walked past to get more food. Did I mention it is an all-you-can eat hallal restaurant?!?! It's really posh though! Hehe! At around £24 per person that night not including drinks... it better be! Anyways poor Boo looked at the bill even when I told him not to! And got a little upset... Why? I don't know I wanted to make sure he was treated well! He paid for our taxi home though, I think he had enough treatment for the night, Lol. Men huh? You want us to pay and when we do you don't like it? Or what? I still don't know to this day why he got upset like that...

My Boo

Hmmm... my digression was long... ok let me summarise my man and expand later... Firstly, he knows I blog and he requested I give him a cool blog name. Lol! He doesn't even know my url but whatever... So can we name him please? He didn't want to be called boyfriend... Lol.

We are almost at 15 months but wow we are in a little rough patch. I think this week was a little rocky because I may have been a little PMS... *blush* MAYBE. Anyway he looks a bit worn out and he's really patient with me (I can be a handful, I might have dumped me by now, Lol) but will save PMS post for later too... Lol.

I only blog on Wednesdays and Fridays to pratice discipline. Wednesdays ar emy day off and Friday is the day I'm most liekly to blog out of the weekend...

Anyways!!! Wow, lol I can talk! Me and Boo met at our African Caribbean Society Dance Class. So I advise anyone looking to go to your ACS functions! Lol. He wouldn't tell me his age but we narrowed it down to 18 or 21. I thought he was going out with my friend anyway but I like looking and I will flirt... Well not with everyone! What do you take me for!?!? So yea that's how we met in short. Lol - will flashback later because this post is long... Lol.

Truth & Lies

Ok now for 3 Truths 2 Lies! We're allowed to pick how many right? Lol. I love those things but they're so blog random... Hehe ok here goes...

1. I want to start a family in Hong Kong.
2. My ideal ages for marriage are between 25-28 years old.
3. My lecturer asked me out and I considered it.
4. I'm a virgin but unfortunately people don't always believe that...
5. I have exzema.

Till very soon!
Love ya!
I'm on blog rounds this weekend hopefully! I have to get some school work done first though!
Take Care,
T xx

Oh oh! I have to tag people right? Lol - this is the first time I'm doing this... (I'm feeling all loved and proud of myself Lol...)

Ok so I tag...

1. Marjoram
2. Beulah!
3. Adejoh Momoh

I will hyperlink them when I get back! For now I really got to go!!! (I won't lie 'cuz you don't know me - Lol - nature calls hehe xx)

I'm Back!

2009-02-06T22:05:00.003Z

Hey Friends!

Sorry for the long absence, so much has gone down since I was last on Blogsville. Happy Belated Birthday to Vera Ezimora on January 14th! I know I'm quite late but I haven't been here for a while... Happy Birthday Hun!

At the moment though I'm in my housemate's room and they're watching 'The Game' so I'm finding it hard to concentrate. The obvious move would be to move to my room but I'm a bit hesitant to do that. I have a friend who's staying with me and she's been living in my room for 2 months. I'm not too comfortable in the bed since she's there and that's where I hang out so... Long story...

Anyway my last post was about my exes and I was meant to progress to my man of the moment, but will do that later. If you didn't already know my birthday was on January 20th and I tried to watch Obama at the Capitol, unfortunately I couldn't make it to the Mall because there was already too many people there so I watched it on TV in the House of Representatives. As you may already know the parade was 2 hours late due to the unfortunate incident of Kennedy's seizure and I by that time had given up and walked towards the car.

The next day I flew back to UK and guess who was on my flight?!?! AKON! For all my friends who hated on Virgin Atlantic before HAHA! Lol it was not that serious but I was really excited but I didn't take a picture or get an autograph... I know, I know, I should've but I didn't want to be rude... He was trying to board the flight I thought he might want some time to relax?!?! Lol oops next time I know how to be a true fan...

Anywho I got back to UK, I am back in UK and back in Uni. I'm so prepared to get straight A's. We started on Monday and I feel in control. Hopefully it will work out because I'm not really the "model student". And I learn in weird ways...

Anywho like I said it's hard to concentrate with all my housemates being around so any interesting stories or flashbacks will be back next week.

I hope you all had a happy holidays! I'm off to read my inbox (too many emails.. Lol)

Take Care!
T x

Cheater Number 2, 3, 4, and Possibly 5

2009-01-15T04:17:00.005Z

Randoms...

I had a weird dream like 2 nights ago. My boyfriend had walked me home and we were outside my door. I asked him wether he wanted to come in or not to talk, we do that sometimes, and we/he decided he should just go. As I anticipated my goodnight kiss with my eyes like half shut (or whatever) he pulls out this really long curved knife and stabs me in the chest. I was so scared I woke up, it was so real. I told him today, he didn't seem to happy about that. We had such a short conversation I couldn't really tell his reaction, but the little reaction I picked up on wasn't positive, which surprised me 'cuz it was just a dream... We'll talk tomorrow.

Unfortunately my ex and his wife have decided to call it quits. I did my best. I just wonder if she's going to tell Immigration or not... well that's up to them, at least they're friends...

One week today I will be on a plane back to UK! Can't wait! As much as I want to stay with my mom, I'm bored here and all my friends are over there... One week yesterday and I'll be 20! I love countdowns...

Ok the rest of my exes (possibly a long post).

The Rest of My Exes - In Brief

My third ex is really good, if not best, friends with my second ex. I met him that same vacation in Ghana and though he was hitting on me I left him alone and told him I was seeing my second ex. So me being me I though that was that and carried on with my merry summer, though I was always really excited when he came around... Wow what a weird child I was... Anyway... Close to the end of my summer he gave me his email address. We had no paper on us so I memorised it and somehow still remembered it by the time I reached school, even though I emailed him like 1 month or so later. No biggie but was surprised...

We sent emails back and forth and somehow we just slipped into a relationship. (Yes I know this doesn't make any sense now that I'm wiser and older but hey, that's what happened) and I was so faithful and happy, for about a year or so. He had assured me that it was ok even though he was friends with my second ex, and I believed that they'r relationship was not that deep (I'm not into dating friends, I don't know why I just think it's not my thing...) I broke up with him because I thought the distance was ridiculous and I don't go to Ghana often, and he wasn't going to the UK...

When we broke up I started seeing ex number four, a rich guy from Congo who had a lot of money and didn't mind telling you about it. He went to the brother school of my boarding school. We were friends first and I humoured his talks of his numerous cars and jets (he wasn't lying) but I wasn't comfortable with all the sexual activity he'd had before me, I didn't even want to reach the stage where I'd have to be telling him no, so I ended us. He called me some time after to tell me he had cheated on me anyway, I'm not sure if he was just saying that to get back at me, but to be honest I didn't really care, I wasn't an angel and we hadn't even kissed... no big loss I had bigger issues...

They were caused by Mr. Ghana. Mr. Ghana is my life's biggest regret. I was working with him when I was 15, he was about 12 years older than me. By the time I was 16 this guy just straight up took me to the stock area and started kissing me. I didn't even see it coming. This carried on for a while (months) and it took me so long to realize that this wasn't normal... I'm kind of slow on things... Anyway this carried on past boyfriend number four and back to my ex number three who I started seeing again after me and my Congo ex had split up. Mr. Ghana asked me out and I said no. There was alot of sneaking around and he always asked me to do extra hours in the shop, which I did. One day he told me I was too nice... Yeah...

He came back when I got to Uni and invited me out. I thought we were past all that rubbish from Secondary school so I said ok. He picked me up and we went to a pub, he was all over me. I'm not into public affection even with my boyfriend. He led me around to the back of some houses to carry on where he left off. In and out of the pub we went. Then the group we were with was going to someone's house for drinks. He was supposed to make sure I got home so I went to this friend's house first thinking I would be going home soon anyway... Boy was I wrong. I ended up there the night and he didn't leave me alone. After that day I gathered my strength and told myself this guy would not mess with me again. He called, for whatever reason I forgot. And he had the nerve to be mad at me because I said I didn't want to see him again when he invited me out. All sorts os invitations for a while, and I haven't heard from him since. I think he finally got the message... My only saving grace was my determination not to have sex. To this day I'm not really sure who had what fault. The few friends I told blame him more and blame me a little. It's easy for me to blame him for everything 'cuz he is a grown ass man and should've known better, but then I'm not sure how much I was supposed to know. I'm sure I thought I was so grown, blah, blah, blah, but I honestly don't know how to feel. I've felt angry, upset, sad... But yeah that is a story I tend to push under the rug...

So after I got rid of him there was still my boyfriend at the time. We were still long distance but he kept assuring me he was coming to UK. I waited, and waited. I did see him one more summer, but that was the last time I saw him, though we do talk from time to time. We were close, well kind of. We were together 2-3 years... He knew a little about what went down with Mr. Ghana, but I don't think he really knew what was going on, and he forgave me the 2 or 3 times I told him. When I broke up with him for the last time in my first semester at Uni I found out he was sleeping around anyway. When I asked him how many girls he couldn't tell me. I don't think he knew. I had split us up so I could try being normal for once and living life in the same country and not all over the place, turns out I made the right decision.

About 3 weeks later I was asked out by the best guy I've ever known. Seriously. But I'll tell you about him later.

So that makes everyone in this story a cheater (except my amazing Boo). Cheaters 2-5.

The First of Many Explanations

2009-01-09T17:19:00.006Z

Thanks for such a warm welcome into Blogsville! And if I haven't said it already to you personally, Happy New Year!

The first few times I was around, some were personal blogs, others were blog ideas that never got off the ground... it didn't really work out because I was holding back. There was no satisfaction in writing because I wasn't really saying much, I've never really been into talking about feelings and such, but I'm working on it. So let me clarify a few things, especially in relation to the questions in the first post. I feel this might be a long one... Lol

About Me

I'm a 19 year old female/young lady/woman (I haven't quite decided at what stage I'm at). I have a Nigerian father, I'm Igbo; a Ghanian mother, I'm Ga; and I'm also American (East Coast Reppin'). I go to University in the UK and have been there in boarding school before that since 2002. I have only 1 boyfriend and we're 13 months old today! I count every month, he's more into the anniversary thing - Lol. I'm turning 20 on Inagauration Day and Obama is totally stealing my shine - Lol, but I'm glad he won (anyone know where I can get CHEAP Obama shirts?). I'm highly sensitive, but I'm working on it,I get upset more easily than others, anger, tears, frustration - you name it, so some people, like one of my boyfriend's best friends, think I'm angry all the time... Not true but hey? Matter of opinion right?

My "Friendly" Invitation Guy

Turns out I'm not a loser (in my first post I was trying to talk to this guy who I think likes me to make myself feel better - was missin my boo) 'cuz he wasn't at his computer at the time and he messaged me that night/morning when he got in around 5am UK time. And I get another invitation... Yes! I still got it! Lol

F.I.G just sent you a nudge.
You have just sent a nudge.
F.I.G says: just came bac
F.I.G says: u ok
Therapy says: yea im good was jus bored to be honest
Therapy says: did u have fun wherever u came from?
F.I.G says: well not bad.....
Therapy says: 6am it cant be too bad can it
Therapy says: Lol
F.I.G says: am drunk
Therapy says: oh
Therapy says: sorri
F.I.G says: been drinking
F.I.G says: it ok
Therapy says: hmmm wat time do clubs close in plymouth? assuming u went clubbin - if u ddnt thats kool and none of my business
F.I.G says: like 5-5.30
Therapy says: wow
Therapy says: [where I stay] suks
Therapy says: they close 2:30/3
F.I.G says: same here
F.I.G says: for some
Therapy says: hmmm
Therapy says: arent u tired?
F.I.G says: u should cum to plymouth
F.I.G says: am off to bed..
F.I.G says: now gnite
Therapy says: ok gnite sleep well
Therapy says: xxxx

Last Night

I was going to let you know about the exes and some situations going down right now but I want to tell you about last night. Last night I went completely weird on my boyfriend. He called me to tell me he was online. I'm all hyphed 'cuz I'm excited. He says something really sweet about how I have his heart then after that he makes a joke about it because we both know he can't be sentimental without a joke at the end. It's like he gives it then he has to take it back right away. I don't really understand, well I do kind of. But 13 months later!!! Come on... but I'm patient, he'll drop those barriers soon I really believe that. But I just went all depressed anyway, I can't even explain it but all the excitement to talk to him just went, because everytime he calls or I talk to him all the strength I've built on not missing him kind of crumbles. Then I have to start all over again... And it's only a month holiday!!! How lame is that?!?! But then I see him everyday when I'm back in UK (I'm in USA right now) so it's... different...

The Exes

I've only ever had 5 boyfriends in my life. One of them I dated twice, something I had told myself I wouldn't ever do with anybody - long story. So here they are and maybe you'll understand the first post a little better (and future posts).

My First Ex

I've never really counted M.F.E as a boyfriend really. But then my first REAL relationship was at Uni so then I can't really count the other 3 either... Let me explain.

M.F.E was my friend's cousin when I was in secondary school. I met him once when I went to her church, we started calling each other, and he asked me out over the phone *cringe (I know). My mom was, and still is, very strict so this was a phone relationship. We talked all the time but only saw each other one other time, at his cousins graduation... I was a tomboy back then so some were shocked (guess I wasn't that hot...), others were happy for me, but I felt good. I had a boyfriend! Take that guys! Lol. Anyway we had to break up (over the phone - lol) because I was moving to England for boarding school. His cousin actually had to do it for us because neither of us had the guts. He was the only "boy" I have ever gone out with. He was a couple of months younger than me but we were in the same grade so I was ok with it - lol. So that was the oh-so interesting first relationship. Not even my first kiss in there, and it ended well. I never talked to him again.

My Second Ex - Cheater Number One

My second ex and I hooked up in Ghana while I was on summer vacation. I was 15, he was 21 (or 20 or 22, but I think it was 21). He is the one who is now cheating on his wife, but we will get there in a minute.

So there I was having an ok summer. As I said my mom is way strict so I never really get to go anywhere when I'm with her. I was going to summer school at the time and met alot of 18+ year olds because I think it was called a 'remedial school'? I'm not sure but we were using my cousin's teachers as my personal tutors. We would go to this school together and then go to our individual classes. Sometime I even went to hers just because...

Anyway so here I was basking in all this attention. Guys checking me, I was the new one in the group (new and foreign one...). I was 15 but for ages I always looked (some people even say I acted) older. I was after this one guy (when I think about it he was not cute, I've picked some interesting ones... Lol) and he left school for a week, then other men moved in. Long story short there were some tears (not mine) and I got with M.S.E.

M.S.E was actually my neighbour where we were staying. My mom had us in the house and one night we started throwing notes up and down at each other. I was on the balcony he was at the front of the house. On one of these pieces of paper (now in the trash somewhere - Lol) he asked me out. And in the 1 week absense of the other guy, I said yes...

With him I got the worst first kiss ever, and some physical attention that I can now look back and cringe on 'cuz in retrospect that guy is slimy... ewww...

I dumped him later when I got back to school over the phone - long distance I had no other choice than phone. He got pissed and sent some very rude emails after that. I deleted them as a sign of getting over it. Which I did.

Because my 3rd ex was his friend - long story later, we knew each others whereabouts but he was very "mean" for lack of better words till very recently.

He met this girl online some time after we broke up I assume and they started "dating" (I'm not a believer in that system but I've seen it work for some). They met each other summer '08 for the first time and like 2 weeks later they were married. Apparently they had disscussed marriage online or something and did it in person when they met. I got invited by ex number 3 but I didn't think it was a good idea to show up... Lol - how ackward would that have been?

To me something wasn't right, apart from their marriage I wondered his motives. She is a caucasion woman, his age, with one child from another Ghanian man. Fine. I personally thought he needed a passport - straight up. When we were together while I was in Ghana he was talking about how he would take care of me blah, blah, blah and I was like ummm... a bit freaked out and left the situation (thank God I have some brains - however small they might be...) So now he's with this British chick (she's aiight looking) and they barely kicked it in person and now rings?!?! He's still young what was he rushing for?!?! Do you get me?

So they're married now but UK won't give him a visa (Lol - I'm sorry but I still find that funny - I can be a hater I won't lie) for like 1-2 years into their marriage... I'm like wooow... warning sign much? But the woman (God bless her) is persistant and he finally gets to move to UK. They were having problems before becuase he is a little online freak but that is a novel in itself. This woman puts it all aside (we're friends by the way - Lol) and takes him anyway. What does he go and do over the holidays??! Sleep with someone else after he's slept with her and get caught! Can you imagine?

So this is where I come in. I was trying to be a nice ex someway somehow - and I don't even remember how I came to know the woman, and I won't lie I was also checking how he survived without me. This woman is so trusting she pours out her soul to me about this relationship. First I'm laughing with my friends like my ex is a dickhead, thinking I'm hotter than the latest one blah, blah, blah but then I stop laughing because her problems are serious with him, especially now that he's been introduced into her daughter's life and I'm giving this woman advice like... I don't even know! I'm trying to help them out since I know my ex without being biased because I'm the last person that's going to tell someone to get a divorce. And if they divorce his ass in back in Ghana...

So me and my friends had been following their situation because I was telling them about it - not everyone just 3 or 4 close friends. I need to talk to sort my head out. Meanwhile she's saying don't tell anyone... I'm feeling like they don't know her anyway so it won't hurt her you know? If I tell me ex it would be different but anyway I don't let both of my exes know I know. I felt a bit bad even typing it out, I'm not a bitch I promise...

Now I get him on the otherside wanting me to help him find work. I'm like me and you who should be helping who!?!? His grown ass self can't find a job?!?! I'm like ok... Do this and this blah blah blah (he actually wants to work at my Uni in our student union of which I'm a VERY active member...) My mind is saying hell no but I tell him what to do because I know they won't take him anyway - he wants to promote and DJ and whatnot and I'm like in my head - we already have people doing that we dont need you... Meanwhile I'm also like in my head 'I hope you know what you're doing because your ass is so close to being deported'...

And the icing on the cake is like he tells me he misses my brother and wants to see him. My brother is 15. I'm like you do realise to see him you have to see me? He like he knows blah, blah, blah... I don't like crushing people so I said ok. Not in agreement to making it happen. I just acknowledged the request. And until I typed this out I didn't even realise the extent to how messed up this is.

I don't want him in my life outside of the phone. At least till they sort their mess out. I don't want to be a contributing factor to a failed marriage. As of now I told the woman to go to marriage counseling to try and sort things out before she calls it quits. I thought it was very objective advice and wouldn't get me into trouble.

So that's the first 2 exes. 2 more to go then my fabulous boyfriend after them. Would do it now but this post is too long - so Wednesday it is!

Happy 13 months to me!
Love,
Therapy x

An Introduction: Reader Meet... My Head

2009-01-08T04:21:00.003Z

Happy New Year! The first week of New Year is over, time goes by so fast...

I've done this before, and I'm doing this again.

I left, and now I'm back, unpacked and I'm airing my laundry.

Do the metaphors quite fit what I'm after? I'm not sure, but I guess we'll find out.

I have a lot going on in my head, but who doesn't?

I've just been reminded by my friend on MSN, I'm multi-tasking, that I'm almost no longer a teenager. Yup, 12 days if you're in UK, 12 days and a bit (like 20 minutes) if you're on the East coast of America. There's a 5 hour difference but math is not currently a strength of mine.

For a while now I've had a lot of things I just wanted to talk about and I think in the end the wrong people have been hearing about it. Example, I miss my boyfriend a lot. I can't call him he's in Nigeria and I've been in trouble for having a high phone bill calling a guy who's now an ex in Africa - Ghana to be precise, this guy, my new love, is Nigerian. I know how to pick them right? Anyway I couldn't call him so I tried to talk to this guy on MSN that I think likes me (an invitation to his University overnight sounds more than a friendly invitation right?) so I go looking for attention else where. Serves me right he was sleeping... Well he hasn't replied my messages all day and we've only just re-started speaking this week. I felt like a major desperate loser, which I know I'm not, but the feeling serves me right... And I did talk to my boyfriend today, it's not like he doesn't call... Guilty much? Maybe...

I talked to another ex who needs my help finding a job. He's married, cheated on his wife, and now I get to deal with both of them. My fault for being so curious as to what his life is without me, now I'm stuck with the situation - kind of... Long story. He's also Ghanian and good friends with the other Ghanian I mentioned. That's also a long story...

So purpose of this post? This blog is me. For the first time, even with my old blog I can say whatever I want to say, because no one knows me. I won't tell everyone in my excitement I have a blog because I've been there, done that. I can actually, for once, say everything I want and ask for opinions. Declaration of internal independance? Not sure. Does that even make sense? You tell me.

I'm an African-American female who has been very protected and I'm looking to stretch my limits, experince things, not too painful, document them for theraputic reasons, and hopfully approach my up-coming semester in Uni with a new and open mind. We'll see.